Genre: romance, angst (with a happy ending!)
A/N: Thank you so much to chocolick for the beta! ♥
Summary: Yunho hated Christmas. It reminded him too much of Jaejoong. It reminded him too much of the day Jaejoong walked out of his life. But did Jaejoong really leave because he wanted to?
talking to the moon
It's twelve more days till Christmas.
Yunho can see the approaching storm that Christmas has conjured up, bringing along tinsels, tiny white lights that lined the streets like broken constellations and a festive mood that spread across his entire neighbourhood like icing on cake. Junsu's excitement has been quite contagious to his entire workplace too. A few days ago, he had pranced into their office wearing an odd combination of red and green, claiming it was to usher in the Christmas spirit. Tch. As if the Christmas spirit would be appreciative of Junsu's bad fashion sense. Junsu had then proceeded to sprinkle glitter and hang up tiny stars around the rooms, quite uncaring of his position as their employer, and instead reduced himself to a mere kid that couldn't wait for Christmas. Yunho sometimes wondered why Junsu is his boss. But still, the anticipation for Christmas had soon begun to spread across the workplace; everyone had started discussing about their plans enthusiastically during lunchtime, leaving Yunho with a rather empty feeling inside his chest.
Yunho hates Christmas.
He hates the sickening sound of Christmas carols blaring from the speakers of his neighbours, pulsating annoyingly through the walls of his heart. He hates how everyone is willing to drop everything just to celebrate a holiday that would have passed after 24 hours, or how superficial people can be whenever Christmas came along, dropping their ugly streak and instead replacing their frowns with tiny smiles to match the festive season. Yunho hates it all. But most of all, Yunho hates himself – he hates how affected he is by Christmas.
Jaejoong had left him during Christmas.
Jaejoong had always had a skin too pale and he even glowed a little at night, Yunho noticed. He had the palest of lips and a mop of hair the shade of midnight, that glimmered a little silver against the dim moonlight. He also had a cold exterior that made him rather unapproachable to many, and so he didn't really make many friends. Not that Yunho knew of anyway. But Yunho loved him all the same. Because he discovered that underneath the ice was a warmth like sunshine, and so much affection for his loved ones that Yunho couldn't help but fall in love.
Things hadn't been perfect at first – Jaejoong was pretty much rather annoyed with Yunho, who couldn't seem to give up after seeing his seemingly icy personality. But of course after Yunho's persistence and Jaejoong's walls breaking down, there wasn't anything else that couldn't stop the two from falling in love. And soon Yunho had found a Jaejoong with suitcases in hand at his doorstep, ready to move into his life forever and never leave. Yunho had been more than happy to oblige.
They loved so hard that Yunho never felt such intense emotions before, and Yunho never looked twice at anyone else after that, except Jaejoong. Yunho loved Jaejoong with all his life. He wouldn't have minded risking his life for Jaejoong; catching a grenade for Jaejoong, throwing himself in front of the train for Jaejoong, and only for Jaejoong. Jaejoong was Yunho's life. And without Jaejoong, Yunho himself would be snuffed out of all his life like a candle in a thunderstorm. So Yunho was willing to lose, to sacrifice every single thing he had, just for Jaejoong.
Jaejoong apparently didn't feel the same way though.
Yunho didn't really know what went wrong with them, but something did. And somehow there were no longer tender kisses from Jaejoong but hesitant ones and there were uneasy hugs, awkward conversations that treaded too thinly on sensitive topics (what happens, if one day I leave you? Jaejoong had asked) and there were even tears. Yunho's heart had ached so badly when he had seen Jaejoong sobbing ever so softly by the bedside one day, and he knows he should have gone and comfort Jaejoong, or at least asked why. But Yunho didn't. He was too scared of Jaejoong's answer. He was too afraid of Jaejoong leaving him.
But Jaejoong did, in the end anyway.
Perhaps you might not understand or fully comprehend how much Yunho loved Jaejoong. But Yunho did. Yunho loved Jaejoong so very much that when Jaejoong left, Yunho didn't know what to do. He remembers that it happened on Christmas night, when Jaejoong had left a note on his (their) kitchen counter with a simple I'm sorry scrawled messily and walked out of Yunho's life, with the same suitcases in hand. Junsu had said that it wasn't very nice of Jaejoong to do that, (although Junsu is indeed Yunho's boss, he's also one of Yunho's closest friends), when Yunho had rang him up in search of a little comforting words.
He couldn’t have made it longer, Junsu had said. And Yunho couldn't even bring himself to laugh at the truth of Junsu's words.
What happens when the only thing you truly loved your entire life is gone? You cry of course, because you can't do anything else. You can't bring them back. You can't find something else to replace your love, as there's probably nothing that could rival how you had felt. And that is what Yunho did. He cried. He cried for days and nights to come and cried even more when it snowed because it reminded him too much of Jajeoong. He knew that a man shouldn't cry as a man should be strong to keep their loved ones safe and protected. But Yunho's only love is gone. So Yunho couldn't care anymore.
And somewhere along the way, Yunho began hating Jaejoong. He hated how Jaejoong had made him such a fool, such an idiot for being so wrapped up in their love that he saw nothing else but them. He hated how Jaejoong could have walked out on him so easily without shedding a tear, because Yunho knew that he would never do that. He couldn't. He had loved him too much to do the same thing Jaejoong did to him.
He had loved him too much to break his heart.
And he began hating himself too. He hated how seriously, how deeply affected he was by Jaejoong leaving. He hated how easy it was for his defences to be torn down by Jaejoong and his heart so easily ripped out with a simple note by the kitchen counter.
He hated how he could never move on.
So Yunho grew increasingly jaded every day after Jaejoong had left him on that Christmas night. He no longer smiled like he usually did and no longer laughed whenever Junsu told a joke. Perhaps it was because he refused to accept that as the present and the time when Jaejoong left grew further apart, the less chances there were of Jaejoong ever returning. Because deep down, beneath all the hatred and the heartbreak, Yunho still missed Jaejoong.
Yunho still missed the curve of Jaejoong's smile when Yunho had hugged him and he missed hearing Jaejoong's voice, even when he's chastising him. He missed the frown on Jaejoong's lips and how he always kissed them away until Jaejoong laughed so melodiously that Yunho missed his laugh too. He missed everything about Jaejoong, but he mostly missed the times when they weren't just Jaejoong and Yunho, but they were together.
Sometimes, when the feeling grew too strong to suppress, Yunho cries a little more. He had told Junsu and Yoochun that he moved on, that he was fine, that really, Jaejoong wasn't that important to him anymore. But the truth is, Yunho's still stuck in the past, even more than ever. Because Yunho can never find it in him to let go of something so amazing, so magical, so themselves.
He doesn't know why though, but soon the memories grew too much for him to bear and the urge to hug Jaejoong, to love Jaejoong, or simply just to speak to Jaejoong grew too intense, and so Yunho had to find an outlet. He knew Jaejoong was still somewhere out there, although apart from Yunho, he was still there. Just somewhere far away. He knew that Jaejoong would never leave him, because there's a part of Jaejoong's heart that Yunho still kept safely close to his, pulsating softly together in rhythm. And so Yunho didn't give up. He couldn't. So he began talking.
He began talking to the moon.
He didn't really care anymore if people found him crazy, really. But he missed Jaejoong too much to not do anything about it. And it wasn't really intentional either. Yunho had simply sat on his bed, facing the window where the full moon had been illuminating, and the words had just poured out of him, like an avalanche crashing out to the stormy seas.
Yunho talks about how much he misses him, how much he loves him and how much he hopes for Jaejoong to return to his side once again. He talkes about his life now – how ridiculous Junsu is with Christmas – which brought him to talk about the little red hearts (exactly three-hundred and sixty-five) of them he receives every Christmas two years after Jaejoong had left (to which he had said brokenly). He talks, while staring longingly at the silver glow of the moon that reminds him so much of Jaejoong, about how he had always wondered where the hearts came from but never really bothered to care because he doesn't need paper hearts. All he needed was Jaejoong's heart to be with him. He talks and talks until his throat turns dry and even then he had talked even more until his voice gave way and all he had left were the tears streaming down his face, a broken heart and another day of work waiting for him as always.
The thing about broken hearts is that no matter what, life still goes on, no matter how much you want time to stop.
And soon, Yunho also tells the moon about his worries and little joys he had that day. It goes on for years and years, moulded and fitted perfectly into his daily routine, and somehow, Yunho doesn't feel that angry at Jaejoong anymore. Instead, it had simmered down into a mellow form of anger and a dull aching throb in his heart. Of course, it is a little crazy to be talking to the moon every single day. Sometimes Yunho catches himself in the middle of his 'conversation' as well, rather perturbed by the fact that he had been, in fact, talking to an inanimate object. But somehow, Yunho can't find it in him to stop. So Yunho continues to pour out every single thought he had on his mind to the now smiling crescent, as if the curve of the moon made his heart smile a little too.
(Deep down though, Yunho knows that he doesn't really talk to the moon to let out all his thoughts – he could have been talking to any other thing and get a similar effect, but Yunho chooses to talk to the moon suspended in the night sky, with the stars that shine serenely surrounding it. Because Yunho doesn't talk to the moon to pour out his sorrows.
Yunho talks to the moon, trying to get to Jaejoong.
Yunho talks to the moon, in hopes that he's on the other side, talking to him too.)
It goes on for a few more years, until this Christmas. Of course, Yunho still hates Christmas. Because no matter how long or how much he has spoken to the moon about Jaejoong and how he's lost his heart to him, Yunho still couldn't let him go. He couldn't let go of the moment where Jaejoong decided that he didn't love him anymore and had just walked out there and then with only a simple note for him to keep. So Yunho speaks a little louder and downs a few glasses of wine just to commemorate the 'festive season' during Christmas Eve. And that goes on quite well too. Yunho's never felt this unrestrained since Jaejoong had left.
Until of course, Junsu walks in.
Junsu obviously doesn't take it very well. No one would, Yunho believes, if they see their best friend that was supposed to have moved on in his life, half-drunk and having a one-sided conversation with the moon. Junsu in fact, starts shouting at Yunho and snatches the glass of wine in Yunho's hand, slamming it down so forcefully that the wine nearly spills over. He drags Yunho to the couch and roughly sits him down, before sitting beside him and clutching onto his hands so tightly, Yunho could feel his knuckles pale.
“The fuck do you think you're doing?” Junsu asks, with a hint of desperation and worry.
“I'm talking to the moon.” Yunho says in a matter-of-fact tone. He doesn't care what Junsu thinks. He might be a fool, who sits alone to talk to the moon. But Junsu doesn't know. Junsu doesn't understand.
Jaejoong was all he had.
Junsu stops for awhile, and they lay there in silence. Yunho doesn't really know what Junsu is thinking, but from his clouded eyes, he can tell that Junsu's not very happy with him.
“Jaejoong wouldn't have wanted this,” Junsu finally says quietly. He stares into Yunho's eyes intensely, silently bracing himself for Yunho's response.
“Why would he even care,” Yunho replies icily, a part of his heart aching at the truth of his words.
“He would,” Junsu bites his lips in anxiety. “Jaejoong always cared for you-”
“No he wouldn't!” Yunho shouts. He finally breaks and rips his hands away from Junsu, before standing up abruptly. He turns away from Junsu, as if not seeing the sight of Junsu's face gave him a little courage.
“He's gone,” Yunho whispers brokenly as he squeezes his hands together, as if they represent his heart. “Jaejoong's gone.”
“Jaejoong-” Junsu falters. “Jaejoong always loved you.”
“But he doesn't now,” Yunho laughs a little, voice cracking so badly it's as if the pieces of Yunho's broken heart were grating against his throat. “He- he wouldn't have left-” Yunho struggles keeping his voice intact, hastily palming across his eyes in attempt to wipe away his tears. “Jaejoong wouldn't have left if he did.”
“He wouldn't have left me” Yunho shouts. He turns to face Junsu, eyes tinged with desperation and sorrow. The moonlight catches onto his tears, and made them shine a pale white. Yunho tries then, not to tremble and break down. He knew that if he broke down now, he'd never be able to piece himself back together.
“I- I – oh god, Junsu,” Yunho whispers, feeling so helpless at the mention of Jaejoong, as the memories began flooding back.
Junsu scrutinizes his best friend carefully, before saying, “Jaejoong still loves you.”
“Jaejoong never wanted to leave you,” Junsu starts. “He – he loved you too much to let you go. But you know, sometimes, it's for the best. Jaejoong-” he takes a deep breath, as if willing himself to continue. “Jaejoong had loved you with all his soul, Yunho. But he didn't want you to cling onto him, he wanted you to meet new people, learn to live without him. Jaejoong-”
“Jaejoong wanted you to move on,” Junsu's voice trembles, trying to keep the tears at bay. “He never wanted this. He never wanted to see you like this, even after so many years after he – he left. He never ever wanted-”
“But he left,” Yunho shouts, as if trying to throw out all his unwanted emotions. He hates how Junsu's words were making him this affected. He hates how, how after so many years, he still wishes for Jaejoong's return. “He left me. He left us, Junsu.” Yunho yells. He now has a desperate urge to throw something, anything, and watch it crack and break like his heart. But he doesn't. He couldn't bring himself to move.
“He left us,” Yunho says brokenly.
“He didn't want to leave-” Junsu begins.
“But he did. I don't care if he didn't wanted to, if he loved me. He left. He left, Junsu. HE LEFT-”
“Jaejoong's dead,” Junsu shouts. “He didn't leave you because he wanted to. He's dead, Yunho.”
Yunho freezes. He opens his mouth, attempting to say something, but the gravity of Junsu's words settles in and there's nothing else he can possibly say.
“Jaejoong didn't want you to know. He – he knew that you wouldn't be able to take it.” Junsu says quietly. “He knew that his days were numbered, he – he got a call from the doctor after his check-up and -. He thought that it'll be easier if he – if he left you first, that if, if you didn't know, you would be happier. He wanted you to be happy, Yunho. That's all he ever wanted.”
“Jaejoong has always loved you. He loved you so much, Yunho,” Junsu whispers, his tears now trickling down, clinging onto the crevices of his face as if they didn't want to let go.
“Please leave,” Yunho finally brings himself to say. He stares at Junsu such that his sorrow clouded his eyes and his tears glistened against the moonlight.
“J-just leave, okay,” Yunho raises his voice; he stares at the moon, refusing to look into Junsu's eyes.
Junsu raises his hand, as if wanting to give a comforting pat on Yunho's shoulder, but he lowers it down again soon after. He sighs, and walks out through the door, a worried expression forever etched on his face, accompanied by his tears.
Yunho sits on the bed, still in shock over Junsu's words. An inexplicable sorrow gushes up his veins and soon reaches his eyes, where it releases the tears stuck at the back of Yunho's last words. He lets out a sharp cry in agony at the loss of Jaejoong, of the fact that Jaejoong's never going to return ever again, that Yunho's stuck here – forever.
He feels a little like a fool now. He feels as if he's the biggest fool out there on the planet, talking and pouring all his thoughts out to the moon, hoping that Jaejoong's listening, that he's talking to him too. But he should have known, that there's never going to be a reply. Because Jaejoong's gone.
And Jaejoong will never return. Because the dead can never return to the living. And although Yunho doesn't feel like he's alive now, and although he feels like he's better off dead (at least he'll be with Jaejoong), he knows that there's no way he'll ever see Jaejoong again.
But Jaejoong still knows him best after all, Yunho thinks darkly. Jaejoong had known that Yunho wouldn't be able to handle the news. Because Yunho loved him too much. He loved him so much that separation wouldn't settle well for him.
Jaejoong's dead, Yunho thinks brokenly. He's dead and he's never coming back. And so Yunho starts to cry again, when the stars light up his room one by one and the chorus of the Christmas carols fade, Yunho's still crying. He feels so sad, so very sad, that there's never going to be another chance, another shot for a them, for a Yunho and Jaejoong anymore. Because now, it's only Yunho.
And that's how it's going to be for the rest of his life.
Yunho screams a little at the moon too, in anger for taking his Jaejoong away, and in pain, in stupidity. He screams about how it's so unfair, about how – how Yunho should have been the one to die instead. They should have let Jaejoong live. At least Jaejoong would be happy.
Now, Jaejoong can't even feel anymore.
After the tears and the pain and the sorrow though, deep down, Yunho also feels a little relieved. Yunho knows it wasn't a very appropriate time to feel a sense of relief, but he does so anyway. Because there's a little happiness too. That Jaejoong didn't leave him because he didn't love him anymore. Jaejoong still loved him, and he never wanted to let Yunho go.
Jaejoong felt the same way to Yunho, as Yunho felt for him.
So Yunho decides to take a deep breath, and he continues to talk. He talks to the moon, about Jaejoong's death, about missing him so much he could die along with him, about... about him, not giving up hope that maybe, Jaejoong's listening to him.
The clock strikes twelve in the middle of Yunho talking, and is accompanied by sounds of raucous laughter as his neighbours begin to pop balloons, champagne and cheer for the arrival of Christmas. Simultaneously, Yunho hears his doorbell ring. He doesn't get up for awhile to receive it though, still rather wrapped up in the knowing of Jaejoong's death, but eventually brings himself to do so.
At his doorstep, is another basket full of paper hearts, like the one he receives every year for Christmas, two years after Jaejoong had left.
He counts them like always, wondering if it was the exact three-hundred and sixty-five numbers that he gets every year. Perhaps it was a way of momentarily forgetting about Jaejoong, or perhaps, Yunho just wanted to.
So Yunho counts and counts, he reaches three-hundred and sixty-five and the basket's empty of hearts. But then he frowns a little when he peers into the basket. There was an extra heart.
Perhaps the person, whoever it was, miscounted? Yunho thought. He reaches into the basket and fishes the heart out, planning to examine it carefully. He stops though, when he sees that there were words written in the same white of Jaejoong's skin scrawled over the heart. And when he reads it, Yunho finally lets out all his tears and all his relief, and also – the first smile in so many years.
Jaejoong had never walked out, Yunho realizes. He couldn't.
He had never left, in the first place.
In Jaejoong's exact handwriting, it was written on the paper heart just like it was written on Yunho's very own: When you talk about me to the moon, Yunho-ah, I'm always listening.
“Are you sure you want to do this?” Yoochun asks, fingers thumbing across the red square sheets of paper as Jaejoong folds one into half.
“Of course,” Jaejoong smiles beatifically. He folds the paper into another half, before taking one side and bending it across.
“But, Jaejoong,” Junsu frowns. “That's more than a million hearts you have to make.”
“As long as you give three-hundred and sixty-five hearts to Yunho every year after I- I die,” Jaejoong says, trembling a little at the last few words. “I'm willing to make as many as I can.”
Yoochun sighs. Jaejoong was too in love and too determined to convince him otherwise of the seemingly impossible task.
“But,” Changmin starts. “Why three-hundred and sixty-five?”
“So he has my heart with him every single day of the year,” Jaejoong beams. He finishes folding a heart and before placing it into the basket, he kisses it once and whispers an 'I love you Yunho-ah' to it. “So don't you dare miscount!”
“We won't,” Junsu smiles. “We would never.”
Jaejoong sighs then, and places one of the paper hearts to his chest, before biting his lips thoughtfully. “You think, when I- I die, I'd be able to visit Yunho as a ghost?”
“I'm sure,” Yoochun says with a tiny smile. “You'd always be watching over him if you could.”
“I would,” Jaejoong confirms. “I'll be watching his every action and following him wherever he goes if I could. I'd even listen to every word he speaks.”
“Because,” Jaejoong says, a tender smile now etched across his face. “I love him.”
I know you're somewhere out there, somewhere far away...
A/N: I think this is the worst thing I've ever written so far lolol. I hope you still liked it though. ALSO, I HOPE YOU NOTICED I TOOK THE EXTRA EFFORT TO CAPITALIZE MY FIC INFORMATION YEAAAAAAAH 8D! thank you to ayakabun, chocolick, noir_sakura20, stickyblocks and yozora_yume for putting up with my whining! I complain too much when I'm writing lolol >< ♥
Oh and for anyone's thats interested, I RENOVATED MY MASTERLIST WOOHOOOOOOOO it looks so much prettier now so you can hop down here to take a look because I'm relatively proud of it lolol.
This fic was also inspired by Bruno Mars' Talking to the Moon :D So if you noticed the little play button above the title, click on it and listen to the brilliant song! It's really awesome!
Thanks for reading! ♥